MERLIN’S SAGGY TESTICLES IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS? BACK THE HELL RIGHT UP AND ACCIO YOURSELF SOME FIREWHISKEY BECAUSE SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL. IT’S PROFESSOR MINERVA FLIPPING MCGONAGALL HERE TO SAVE THE DAY AND BRING THE FUCKING CASTLE TO LIFE AND SHIT WHILE YOU JUST STAND BY MAKING OUT LIKE DICKS. THAT’S RIGHT. THE CASTLE. THIS BITCH DOESN’T GO HALFWAY. SHE DIVIDES BY ZERO, GRABS SOME DESKS, AND TAKES ON THE FUCKING DARK LORD BY HERSELF BECAUSE THAT’S JUST HOW SHE ROLLS.
FERRETS? FUCK YOUR FERRETS, THIS BITCH HAS ACCESS TO TIME TURNERS LIKE NO ONE’S BUSINESS AND HANDS THEM OUT LIKE BISCUITS.
REPORTED? HAVE A BISCUIT.
FLYING WITHOUT HER DAMN PERMISSION? EAT THE BISCUIT YOU LITTLE SHIT. YOU DON’T SAY NO TO THIS PROFESSOR. SHE’LL PULL HER WAND OUT FASTER THAN THE AURORS CAN EVEN COMPREHEND AND THEN GET YOU TO SAFETY WHEN THE HEADMASTER DECIDES TO FUCK SOME SHIT UP WITH HIS PHOENIX.
YOU LIKE CATS, DOLORES? FUCK YOU CAT PLATES. MINERVA IS A CAT. THAT’S RIGHT, THIS WOMAN CAN TURN INTO A CAT LIKE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH FASTER THAN YOU CAN FLOO YOUR ASS OUT OF THERE.
YOU DON’T KNOW.
YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.
“And now - piertotum locomotor!” cried Professor McGonagall.
And all along the corridor the statues and suits of armor jumped down from their plinths, and from the echoing crashes from the floors above and below, harry knew that their fellows throughout the castle had done the same.
“Hogwarts is threatened!” shouted Professor McGonagall. “Man the boundaries, protect us, do your duty to our school!”
Clattering and yelling, the horde of moving statues stampeded past Harry: some of them smaller, others larger, than life. there were animals too, and the clanking suits of armor brandished swords and spiked balls on chains.